Insecure kills

Sometimes

I really feel so tired that I want to give up

Deep down inside I'm so hurt

Not that we don't love each other very much

But maybe just lack of courages 

Too much influenced by negative thinkings

And the bonding between us is not that strong like how we think it is

Everytime after an argument

Even though we speak out what is in our mind

What is our feeling

Scars still there

Even we think we won't care about it anymore

but it stills

hurting much more than you think

deeper and more painful

That feeling of insecure

strikes everytime and make me feel like giving up

no matter how much I want to calm myself down

keep on believing that it's okay it's fine

but sincerely I can't

everything is so difficult

or maybe I'm just not brave enough to overcome it

Yes, I do overthink, very often

Which girls doesn't want her guy at least

To stay by her side when she breaks

To hug her tightly when she feels insecure

To comfort her 

To soothe her

To wipe away her tears and tell her how lovely she is even when she's crying

在一起有點累
卻還是想繼續走下去的

才叫真愛

你不知道......

你不知道

想你的时候我脸上有多花痴
收到你信息的样子我有多开心
看你认真的表情自己有多心动的感觉
说到你的时候我的笑从来没有停止过
每次犯傻逗你开心后自己掩藏不了的笑
听到你的call我心里就像转了300圈一样
一起video call完全忘了睡眠有多重要的感觉
看见听见一切有关于你的事的时候那一抹微笑
努力想办法为你制造各种惊喜的时候的那种激动
别人提起你的时候我有多迫不及待想分享你的一切
每次等你的时候心情有多么复杂多么想不等了直冲你面前
还有很多很多你没有注意到的细节



你不知道
因为你  我学着喜欢好多你喜欢的
学着听你喜欢的歌
学着做你最拿手的科目
学着帮一个人整理头发
学着关注你喜欢的运动赛事
学着做一堆你喜欢我做的一堆无厘头的傻事



我不知道
自己还能拥有一个专属宠坏自己的人多久
能大方包容迁就忍耐自己坏脾气的人多久
能一直把我放在他生活里中心点的人多久
我真的不知道




你不知道
我现在心情有多复杂

D26, 14.10.2015  2:00am

两个人能在一起，不是意外，是注定 :)

有时候自己真的不知道
一次的主动就可以改变未来好多好多的事



我们总是嘲笑着说彼此相遇的方式有多奇妙多好笑
如果没有因为一本课本
你和我现在是不是只是两个陌生人
只是Facebook Instagram 礼貌性互like的两个人
只是无意间认识的senior-junior关系？



Honestly,我也不知道为什么自己会PM你（感谢lw?)
平时的我根本就是超级无敌懒惰理人的
可是就因为那一次，改变了两个人个生活轨道
让两个可能永远毫无交集的两个人
让两个差一点就不会相遇的人
从此在彼此的的生活中成为中心点



一开始对你也没什么特别的感觉
纯粹只是突然间总是聊天的senior
可是谁知道一聊就聊上了好几天
你说是我一直reply你才会让你继续text的
但其实我有暗示过你会不会打扰到你，但你却任何反应也没有
而我其实也很想stop的  哈哈



这一切的一切说起来也真的很不可思议
如果那一天你没有搭那一班电梯
如果那一天你没有从楼梯冲下来
如果那一天我走路不往前看
如果那一天我慢了30秒走回KB
如果我没有好玩地在你的Instagram post下comment
还有很多很多的如果
是不是这一切都不会发生了？



一直以为我不会再轻易喜欢上一个人
不会再那么相信一个人
也不会再对别人有所期望
可是你还是做到了



昨晚你哭了
辗转难眠
虽然你一声都不说但那种气氛我还是感觉到的
一直默默地望着你，其实心里真的真的很不忍心
有时候一些事你宁愿不说也不想让我担心
你烦恼、你委屈，这一切我都看在眼里
真的很心疼
这是你在我面前第一次哭
也第一次感受到你对我是多么多么的爱护



你每一次都把我捧在手心里宠
每一次发脾气都迁就我包容我
每一次的任性你都笑着顺从我
虽然嘴上不说
但每一次都很感激自己遇上了可以那么宠我的人
可以让我那么任性妄为
又让我不舍得过分任性的人



我独立
但在你面前就变得特别依赖
我成熟
但在你面前只想有多幼稚就多幼稚
我安静
但在你面前我就算最没有point的话也想跟你讲



以后我们都还有好多好多的日子要过
好多好多的事要一起做
好多好多的地方要一起去
那就让我继续烦着你 ok?



还有
你说遇见我是你的小幸运
因为大幸运是我遇见了你 :)

Sincerely, with love :)
Day 24, 12.10.2015   12:34am

One is no longer better than two :)

How silly God let us met in my very first year of uni life and your very last year in uni :p

Idk you're such a 变态, but be glad that you're a Math 变态 so that you got chance to become my private tutor and gave you chance to kao me XD

There's nothing much to say cz you know how much you meant to me :)

You know what kind of relationship I want so promise we both work hard for it kay?

ILY 老变态 :P

 

Your so-not-willing 21st birthday celebration

No sunny day cz rainy day is your signature day :p

I like the very last photo serious XD

cz I'm pretty here <3

Idk what kind of face you were doing my dear....

Finally I got to see pandaaaaaa!!!!!!!

Your favourite photo

Matching with the background

boooooooooooo

Post dedicated to AKJK

Hye there you know who you are :p
Nahh I really wrote a post dedicated to you le so satisfy le hor??
Honestly Idk what to write but I'll try to write a long essay for you :p
Be proud okay since there's a post specially dedicated to you


I don't know since when we actually started to chat Idk lh
Never thought that I can make friends so fast in the first week and it's a senior
I know you probably will think that why this girl ar so crazy de so like to suan you tease you or whatever things de haha but that's how I chat with friends, my close friends will  know my style haha


I know you're a good mentor, trying to help every mentee and even though I'm not in your group but you still willing to help me to solve my problems or questions (so much thank you 90 degree bow hahahaha)
Just that ke lian you cz always need to tahan my rudeness and always suan you I'm so sorry but I know you will kind enough to forgive me right? :3


Actually I wanted to tell you that the time when I first met you is not during orientation but it's on registration day :p
I know there's nothing special to mention about such thing but it's kinda funny
That day when I walk pass talent night's booth and you suddenly pop out from somewhere else and promoted the event
That moment I OS "I'm really sorry I really don't have any talent."
That moment is so 尴尬you know cz I always dk how to face ppl when they are promoting some things, events or whatever lh
But I did like the page hor hahahaha :p
Then during orientation I just realized that ehh that guy not the talent night booth de guy meh lol hahahaha don't laugh ar weiii


  We knew each other not really long enough but just hope that we're not just Hi-bye friend cz it's really awkward you know
So be prepared since you are so unfortunate that you met me in your uni life :p
I really don't have any idea how to continue now but you know lh Blogger has an "Edit" button for every post published right :p



Idk when you'll discover this post but if you found it and read it then please don't laugh don't laugh cz whenever you see me you definitely will rmb this post and start laughing again maybe then I'll be so paisehhhh


So bye yeahh just wait for the next update and continue your hard work stalking my blog :p

New Life in a New Place

Already one week here in Sg Long but honestly I'm still not used to itI actually miss Kuching a lot, those roads those places those food those favourite cafes and kopitiamand my familyAnd which Kuchingnite doesn't miss kolo mee and laksa


Sarawak was having Gawai holiday but here we need to go for orientation (and shit Bon was not here joining us I miss her)Rest for almost 6 months ady and I feel like dying when uni almost reopen and class gonna starts very very soon


But actually Orientation is really very funknowing different people from different places and experience things that you never tried beforeI used to be a quiet one when in front of strangers but kinda glad that there's no such problem here as they were all very friendly and talkative, 热情maybe? haha


Btw, becoming roomate with your bff is kinda annoyingShe keeps pairing me with another guy like seriously you worry I 嫁不出ist? (Lih Wen I hope you read this! hahahahahahahaha)Almost every guy who texts me becomes the victim lol sibeh kolianOiiii Lih Wen It's okay lh just let me be single and no need to worry so much about my relationship okay? :pLater you 舍不得I bcm other's darling hahahahaha

During Orientatin

The Kitten goup haha (Pity Samantha's face was blocked and Wen Jia's kiam pak face)

Glad to be in this group with fun Mentors and supporting group members :)

Mid Valley with mentors

Hi Bob!!

Debbie insisted to have her face in this picture haha

Guy who claims he is 197cm tall. (So I finally found someone taller than Melvin?)

Mentor who is annoying enough and got suan the most

2015.5.7 星期四

生活在同一片天空下整整14年后又要离乡背井到异地求学了

这阶段也是必然的

不管有多少多对家人的不舍、对家的不舍

终究还是要学会在外独立生活

老实说这18年来我真的没有离开过家人身边超过一个月

对家人的依赖虽然没有说出口 但心里知道是有多深的

自己也知道

其实爸妈也很舍不得自己的宝贝女儿到异乡生活

他们焦虑、担心、不舍、想念、牵挂。。。。。。

这一去就是5年的时间

虽然偶尔还是会回家但一年大部分的时间还是在外地

虽然在同一个国家  但隔着一个南中国海还是觉得十分遥远

有点小庆幸自己还不必出国 呵呵

有一万个要自己留下的理由

但还是被一个非走不可的理由给打败

必须独自一人到人生地不熟的地方过生活真的挺不容易

爸妈的担心，自己的不适应，朋友的牵挂，家里小狗的不习惯  哈哈

有哪个到异乡求学的人不会想家的啊

突然觉得自己长大了，但还是有点小孩的影子

突然觉得自己独立了，但还是会想要依赖的时候

突然觉得自己懂事了，但还是有害怕糊涂的时候

突然觉得自己能撑起一片天了，但还是有脆弱的时候

Kuching的天空

我是真的不想离开它

它没有大城市的天空来得繁杂

我最喜欢的不是布满像棉花糖一样的白云的天空

我向往的其实是一望无际只有蓝色的蓝天

一点白云乌云都没有的蓝天

那种自由奔放又让心情有更大空间的蓝天

还有有你的蓝天

这是人生新的开始

没有家人可以依赖

没有朋友可以随时帮忙

没有奢望可以见到你的机会

有些东西握久了还是要放下

不能让负累耽误了自己更长远的路

还是期待5年后的自己

不可以让爸妈失望

不可以让朋友失望

不可以让支持我的人失望

不可以让自己对人生失望

让当初离开的人刮目相看

致，当初的我们

《深思》

也許，我們原來只是高估了，

彼此的情深。

明明上星期還談得十分投契，

但這星期他已經不想回覆自己；

明明上一次還約定下次要到哪裡去玩，

但如今就連見面也不願意。

明明，上一次約會，

他還主動牽起自己的手，

但這天，他已經和另一個人在一起；

明明，他說過喜歡自己，會對自己認真，

但為甚麼，他現在卻會喜歡了另一個人 ......

變心了，你知道是很平常，

可在這麼短時間內，就對一個人變心，

這其實是很傷人的一件事。

你們都尚未開始，他已經給你留下一道背叛的疤痕，

但旁人甚至他，可能還會抽離地跟你說，

你們都未在一起，也沒有許過承諾，

談不上誰負了誰，更別說背叛了 ......

可那點被無端捨棄的感覺，

卻每天都為你帶來無比煎熬與煩惱，

你會亂想，其實是否自己最初已自作多情，

你會自責，為甚麼會對這個人投放了太多認真；

你會懊悔，如果自己當日更主動，

是否就不會失去他，

你會迷惑，為甚麼那一夜他看著自己的時候，

他的表情是那麼認真，

為甚麼，他還會牽起了自己的手。

如果他不喜歡自己，

那為甚麼當他知道你心意的時候，

他並沒有迴避或拒絕。

你還記得，他那時候對你笑了，

即使他沒有用言語表示過，也喜歡你，

但你從他的表情、他的語調，

他的靠近、他的牽手，

你感受得到他的溫柔，甚至他的認真。

是不是當時候，他跟你也一樣，

也是喜歡著眼前的這個人 ?

是不是也想過，要跟對方在一起，

如果你們在一起，你們會過得好快樂好快樂，

你們以後會一同成長、生活、

經歷不同的人生階段、甚至白頭到老；

你們的眼裡就只有對方一人，

沒有事情可以再動搖你們，

沒有人可以再將你們分開 ......

只是，原來，

他是高估了自己的認真，

高估了，自己對你這一個人的感覺。

當那一刻的衝動、熱度與溫馨稍稍褪卻，

他忽然發現到，自己內心的天秤有點不平衡，

有一點說不出的難為，無法對你說明。

也許，他是喜歡你，

只不過原來，並未去到想要一起的程度；

也許，他是認真的，

只不過原來，他另有一個更喜歡的人。

也許 ......

他當時只是不忍心或不知道怎麼拒絕，

自己的心意；

也許 ......

其實他並不真正想跟自己一起，

他只是想跟自己做一對好友，

想有一個人對自己很好很好，

想珍惜你對他的好，對他的感情，

想要嘗試一次，自己跟這一個人可以有哪一種發展 ......

也許，也許，

你明白這些都不過是自我安慰，

你只不過是為他的自私，找一些美化的藉口，

真相如何，你是永遠都不會得知；

你只知道，在親到無可再親密後，

這份情誼已經無法再添加一點熱度，

反而之前因為奇蹟般地太快靠近，

現在冷下來的反差也變得更大。

越是想要傾談，越是沒有回應，

越是想再重來，越是離得遙遠 ......

既然如此，

你只好繼續去空想更多不同的可能性，

讓自己有天會對他討厭、絕情，

讓自己可以早日放開、釋懷，

讓自己能夠不用再對他思念下去，

讓自己有一天終於發現，

原來自己也是太高估了，

自己對他的那一份情深。

其實你並不是很喜歡他，

你只是喜歡或懷念，

他對你溫柔微笑的那一張臉容 ......

你是因為一直想得太多，

才會對他變得如此不捨；

其實你是可以放開，可以忘記，

可以再去喜歡另一個人，

你是早就應該可以，笑著離開這一個人 ......

只是你還是太想知道，

他為甚麼那天要忽然捨你而去，

只是你還是會想繼續，

當天沒有開花結果的那點認真 ......

也許所謂情深，

原來是自己的依然執著；

但一天一天過去，

他離得越遠，你想得越深。

即使如今可能已不剩多少情愫，

但你還是讓自己嚐了多少刺痛。

MIDDLE

个人特别喜欢的一篇文章。句句真实、写到心坎里的一篇文章，完全写出了心声。

313天了，而自己还是放不下当初的回忆，贪心的，还希望重来。。。

Late night coffee with loves

It's really been a while since I last meet up with them

Never had a coffee talk with them and talk about our future and even relationships haha

I really appreciate the time when we are together

Nothing  much to share just wanna post it out as memories cz we are now in different places and countries, and I'm going to leave Kuching very soon :(  so that's why I appreciate the time and days we spent together

Add caption

Cappucino

First try on crepe cakes

Mocha

Panini, one of my favourite at The Coffee Shop

Left? Right? Go straight? It's all about LIFE

Another month had gone since I last updated. I know...... my lappy just sulk too often :(  bad girl

Anyway I'm really really really annoyed when it comes to thinking about my studies after SPM, I'd been thinking about it since SPＭ examination ended. It's even worst after I got my result zzz

Typical busybody aunties be like "Ehhh what's your result ar?"  "What you wanna study after this?"  "Where you wanna go? West Malaysia? Overseas?" "Your result so good why choose that course? What a waste."  "Applied for scholarships?"

Oh please lh dear aunties and uncles, ladies and gentlemen, ah boy and ah girl, stop it -.-

Honestly I dk what  I'm interested in, really, although what I used to say is pharmacist (so that's why don't keep asking me otherwise I'll just simply answer you........ sorry

It's the season of leaving again. Everyone is separated and went to other places to continue with their studies, how sad it is. The one step that decide what you'll get after suffering, struggling for exams, leaving your own family and friends. And of course burnt all your money for fees in university.

I still can't decide where, what and when I'm going to study, these are just so annoying, you'll know my feelings when you come to this thing after graduate from high school. Real congrats is you already have your own target and ambition, school to further studies and courses to take in your mind. Go for it. Don't let fear having you looking back.

And GOOD LUCK for me too.......